Becoming More Authentically Aligned

Releasing the Need to Live by Consensus

A couple of weeks ago, I went home to say farewell to the matriarch of my family. My 97-year-old grandmother passed away at the beginning of the year. Although it was not unexpected, saying goodbye to a loved one is never easy, especially her. I love my grandmother dearly, and I had unrealistic hopes that she’d live forever.

There’s a Ram Dass quote I love that says, “If you think you’re enlightened, spend a week with your family.” I’ve found through my years as a therapist and in doing my own work, even if you have a good relationship with your family, they are often sources of your biggest wounds and triggers.

While I was home, I found myself shrinking and molding myself to other’s expectations, and asking for consensus about what I should or should not do. Being thrown back into the dynamics of my childhood with my extended family, I felt insecure and looked to others to determine what actions were acceptable. The biggest one that comes to mind is that during my grandmother’s funeral mass, I asked my sister if she was going to get communion. She looked at me like I was crazy and emphatically said no. Both of us are very spiritual, but neither of us are Christians. At that moment, I didn’t feel grounded enough in myself to decide what was right for me. I needed to know what she planned on doing before I made my decision.

After the services, and when I had more time to reflect I realized how being around my family had thrown me off my center. The little girl who wanted to be accepted and loved by her extended family was still looking for their approval. But the cost was sacrificing my sovereignty and my authenticity. I am not a Christian, and if members of my family have a problem with it, well the problem is theirs and not mine. I accept we believe different things without judgment.

Upon further reflection, I started realizing the large and small ways I was still living by consensus and looking for the approval of others to say and do what feels right for me. I realized I had been holding myself back from posting about current events because I still haven’t seen a lot of spiritual people doing it. I didn’t want to “add to the division”, so I was being silent. But staying silent hasn’t felt right for me. There might not be many things I can do in the face of the horrors we are witnessing in this country right now, but using my voice is a power I have. I was afraid that if I spoke out too much about “politics”, I’d lose connection with people who weren’t speaking out. Once again, I was looking for others to give me permission that saying something was okay.

Fortunately, I realized I am a grown woman, and I don’t need permission from others to speak. Lately I have not been holding back. I am still conscious of the language I use and the posts I share, because I do not want to add to division and I do not want to dehumanize anyone. I want to shine a light on what is happening, have a conversation about morality and human rights, empathy, compassion, and protection of the vulnerable. Staying silent only helps the oppressor, and I refuse to be complicit in the harm that is being done any longer. If that means some people unfriend me, so be it, our energies were not aligned and I wish them nothing but peace.

After realizing that in some ways I still dim myself to fit it, I started working hard to be more mindful of how I am making decisions. Am I doing or not doing something out of fear of how I will be perceived? Or am I acting in alignment with my authentic self and my divine guidance? Am I holding back out of fear of rejection or criticism? Or am I making a consciously aligned decision? This takes time, getting out of your head, into your body, and comfortable with stillness for your truth to come through. The more time you spend in your head, the more your ego and parts will try to convince you of another, safer story. Your inner wisdom speaks in feelings, intuitive knowing, and quiet pings. Don’t think your way to the answers, allow the wisdom to come to you by giving yourself stillness, or through automatic writing in a journal.

This is work I have spent a lot of time on, and like all healing work, it is done in a spiral not a straight line. I’ve come back to another place in my psyche that needs support, and recognition that I do not need anyone’s permission or approval to be me. The only place to get that permission is within, from my higher self who knows what is authentic, aligned, and best for me.

All My Love,

Brittany